Saturday, January 28, 2012

2012 - The Year I Tame The Shopping Beast

I've prayed.  I've talked to God over and over.  I've prayed some more.  I've talked to my therapist.  I've talked to my dog.  I've talked to myself.  But I'm tired of having the same conversation over and over and over -- and I don't do anything about it.

Bottom line is that I'm scared.

I'm scared to admit how bad my problem is.  I'm scared to face those numbers.  And I'm scared that I'll never break free.  I'm scared to let others see my weakness, that I'm not perfect mom/wife.  I'm scared that once that's known, I'll be thought less of....that I'm so stupid for getting myself in this mess to begin with, that I'm weak.  I'm scared that if I don't "buy approval" (ie, buy gifts, pick up the tab, etc.) that I won't know of any other way to relate to those around me.

But something in me broke the other day....and while I'm not quite at the point where I'm fully prepared to share what brought me to that breaking point....I can tell you that it brought me to my knees.....brought me to a point where my eyes - for the first time - where truly opened and I realized that I am now ready to recover.  I am ready to share my journey and my past openly.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.

I realized that, in the past, my goals were too hard, too broad.  If I missed a goal, then I told myself that I was a failure, so why should I bother trying.  But I'm going to try again -- I have to try again.  And this time, I'm making smaller, more attainable goals for myself.

Conquering my shopping beast, cutting spending, and paying down debt all go together.  The challenge is to see if I can truly accomplish it.

My hope is to try to write something every day -- whether it's a line or two -- but to get something down to be accountable.  I will share my goals, my thoughts, my fears, and eventually -- my numbers.

I hope you'll stick with me as I try to work through issues and get to the core of my problem.  Please stay with me....I need all the help I can get!


Semalee said...

I'm routing for you Jennifer!