tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34321458430076912562024-03-13T19:52:43.299-07:00Money and MeJenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05584963266765648468noreply@blogger.comBlogger17125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3432145843007691256.post-26762520606502951762012-02-02T20:04:00.000-08:002012-02-02T20:04:58.022-08:0029 Gifts - Day 2 (2/2)I already had an idea of what I was going to do for today. <br />
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A very good friend of mine and I are avid readers. I got a Kindle Fire for Christmas and about 2 weeks ago started reading The Hunger Games series. I was able to get books 1 and 2 free through the Kindle Lending Library, but had to wait about a week before I could get the 3rd. <em>(Only allowed one "lend" per month).</em><br />
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So, after talking with my friend who's son is currently reading the series, we agreed that I would buy the third book in the bookstore, read it and then give it to her and her son. She would reimburse me for the cost of the book.<br />
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On Feb. 1st, I was able to get the 3rd book for free on my Kindle. So this morning, I put the hardcover book that I bought in a gift bag with a note addressed to my friend and her son that said "Happy Reading". I told her that I didn't want reimbursed for the book...that instead, we could make a date to see the movie version when it comes out next month.<br />
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Made me happy to do that.<br />
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But then I felt that the good I did was negated when I lost my temper with my girls this afternoon. I tried so hard to keep my cool but they really pushed my buttons and I lost it with them -- sending them both to their rooms for an extended time-out.<br />
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After cooling down a bit, I went up to see my girls. My youngest had fallen asleep, so I just whispered into her ear that mommy was sorry. With my oldest, I explained that I was disappointed with her behavior but that I was disappointed with my behavior too. We hugged and made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner. So, feeling a bit better there!<br />
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On a blessing side -- we've been looking to get new tires for my Jeep. We've been saving and trying to get a good deal. A friend of ours has a neighbor who deals with tires By chance, this neighbor shows up at the bar where my husband was at with friends. They start chatting and hubby finds out that he works for Big O Tires and offered to get us a deal on our tires!<br />
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On to Day 3 tomorrow!Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05584963266765648468noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3432145843007691256.post-23251600638519675192012-02-01T21:01:00.000-08:002012-02-01T21:01:28.850-08:0029 Days - Day One (2/1)I'm a planner. I like to be in control. I like to have things neat and proper and everything planned to a "T". But this challenge has thrown me. I'd been brainstorming about the kinds of things I could do -- and have a few things in mind already. But I think part of challenging myself to being open to God's plan for me is to just "be" and see where the opportunity may just come up to give. But then I'm afraid that if I do that, I might miss an opportunity and that a day would go by where I didn't give. <br />
* Today, I got up with my husband and made him his lunch. Something he usually does himself, but this morning I got up and did it for him. <br />
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* When I left the Sprout market, I smiled and said "Good morning" to a random stranger. Imagine my surprise, when I heard my 3-yr. old mimic me to say "Good morning" herself. <br />
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* When we got home, instead of jumping immediately into household chores, I spent the morning playing with and reading to my youngest daughter. In return, she gave me the gift of laughter -- her giggles just filling the room and my heart with joy.<br />
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* As I was preparing dinner, I realized that there were two gifts I could give my husband. Instead of leaving a full trash can for him to empty when he came home from the base, I emptied the trash myself and put in a new bag. I also refilled our iced tea pitcher instead of leaving less than a glass and making him make a new pitcher.<br />
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I have to keep reminding myself that small is ok and that a gift doesn't have to be a grand thing.Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05584963266765648468noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3432145843007691256.post-65023703931619682942012-01-31T05:00:00.000-08:002012-01-31T05:00:06.398-08:0029 Days of GivingStarting tomorrow (Feb. 1st) I am going to be doing the<a href="http://www.29gifts.org/main/authorization/newProfile?target=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.29gifts.org%2F&newNingUser=1&u=4f24dd5e9acfb"> 29-Day Giving Challenge</a>. I came across this challenge through a friend on a FB group that I belong to.<br />
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There's a couple reasons why I choose to push myself with this particular challenge. It is my prayer that:<br />
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1) By choosing to give to others, I can teach myself that giving doesn't have to be on a big scale or cost a lot of money. It can be the simplest thing such as a phone call or an email.<br />
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2) By focusing more on giving that I can focus less on spending.<br />
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3) I will learn to appreciate the small and simple things in my life. That, in spite of my addiction and debt, my life is pretty damn good. <br />
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4) I will be a good example to my daughters. That as they see me giving that they, too will learn to give -- starting with each other.<br />
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5) That by giving, I can also open myself up to receiving -- whether it's a compliment or help. And that by receiving, I am fulfilling someone else's need to give.<br />
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Want to join the challenge? Simply go<a href="http://www.29gifts.org/"> here</a> to sign up and look for the sign up box on the right side of the page. If you do choose to join, I'd hope that you'd leave a comment!Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05584963266765648468noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3432145843007691256.post-45586891411829748762012-01-30T05:00:00.000-08:002012-01-30T05:00:19.117-08:00In The Red - Chapter OneWhile digging through my stash of books, I came across "In the Red" by Alexis Hall. She writes a diary about her journey out of debt and out of the grip of compulsive spending. I had four books spread on my bed and I was trying to decide which one I needed to start reading first. I just closed my eyes and asked God to lead me to what He wanted me to read first. Alexis's book kept coming to my mind -- so there was my answer.<br />
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Now before you read on, I'd like to explain that generally when I read a self-help book, I highlight...a lot....and I write notes in the margins....a lot. But with having this blog, I wanted to be able to write down and share my thoughts when something jumped out at me.<br />
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So what you will read below are some phrases from the book that jumped out at me. They are bolded and underlined. And then immediately below that are my thoughts and comments about what I took away from that passage.<br />
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You may become bored and scroll through...but it's my hope that my thoughts and words will touch someone the way Alexis's words touched me -- and prompted me to explore myself and my addiction even deeper.<br />
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<div align="center">*****************************</div><br />
<strong><u>"all started when I was a student, away from home and entrusted with a $500 overdraft."</u></strong><br />
College was when I got my first credit card. A major department store. I ran that one up shopping for clothes we could never afford when I was growing up. But I had no way to pay for it. Daddy paid it off. I kept the card and ran it up again. By that time I had a job and was paying my bills on my own - barely, but I was. But then more and more credit card offers started to come in. The cycle had begun.....<br />
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<strong><u>"Each one you get will be the last one and you promise yourself you'll only use it in an emergency. Two months later, you've maxed the card out and don't know where you'll ge the money to pay it back. How depressing...never mind, you can always go shopping to cheer yourself up. And round we go again.....</u></strong><br />
Emergencies only. Once it's paid off, I'll cancel it. Often times the cards were cancelled for me because I wasn't able to pay them. But it didn't stop me from shopping.<br />
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<strong><u>"Kevin really is the original long-suffering partner. He's put up with me and my compulsive spending for nearly fourteen years. He once paid off all my credit cards and made me stand at the bin with a pair of scissors cutting up my plastic partners in crime. He listened to me sobbing and wailing, promising I'd never do it again and I've thanked him by running the whole lot up to the hilt again."</u></strong><br />
Hubby has been with me through it all. Getting angry over and over and over when he'd get the phone calls or the past due bills. Believing me when I'd say that I was sorry and that I'd work at it harder -- and then turn around and put us back in the same position -- sometimes even worse than what it was before.<br />
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<strong><u>"I've even come across items I've bought twice."</u></strong><br />
I can't count how many times I've found multiple shirts, craft items, books, etc. that I've bought because I don't remember buying them or they've been stashed so well I just don't remember where I put them.<br />
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<strong><u>"It's all about the purchase. That exquisite moment when the object of your desire suddenly becomes yours."</u></strong><br />
It starts off with a small thought. It comes from nowhere -- that little voice that tells you, "Hey, you need this.....or you need that." The voice is stronger than the self-control and I give in. When I get into the store and see sale prices, I can literally feel my body have a reaction.....It's a SALE! I can buy MORE! And when I walk out of the store, I'm incredibly proud of myself for saving all that money...but then it's just a matter of minutes until I get home and the guilt starts to set in. And the cycle starts all over again.<br />
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<strong><u>"I've even been known to fall for "purchasing for profit" schemes: buying a load of stuff that I think I'll off-load at a later date, making wads of cash in the process."</u></strong><br />
I've definitely done this -- especially with books. In the past, if I found a series of books, I'd buy them, thinking that I'd resale them -- on eBay usually. But then they sit and sit and sit -- and then eventually end up in the Goodwill bin. So much money wasted.<br />
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<strong><u>"Do I just face up to the fact that I'm ruining my life - and that of those closet to me - with the burden of debt?" "But it's limiting Kevin's options too."</u></strong><br />
Not only is my own life ruined, but I'm ruining Hubby's life too. Not too mention the example that I'm setting for my daughters. We're limited because we can't afford it. If we can't afford it, then we miss out. And it's all my fault.<br />
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<strong><u>"I've been so buy trying to buy the life I think I should be living, that I can't afford to live the one I have."</u></strong><br />
In the worst of my compulsive spending, I would buy clothes and lots of them. I would justify my spending telling myself that I needed them for work....I needed to look good. Then I needed to buy maternity clothes and I needed to look cute. Then I needed to buy post-pregnancy/mommy clothes. But even in the worst of my compulsive spending - I rarely -- to almost never -- bought anything brand name. Bottom line though was that I couldn't afford it ---- period.<br />
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<strong><u>"Learn a little self-control"</u></strong><br />
Why is such a simple concept so hard to grasp? It's not hard to say no. I say it to my kids all the time. Maybe that's the problem -- I don't have anyone NOW telling me NO. I AM the adult. I AM the one making the decisions. I've been trying to become more conscious and more aware of telling myself no.<br />
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<strong><u>"That must be the same skewed logic that stops me spending a few pounds to have boots reheeled because it's too pricey, but enables me to justify buying a new pair instead."</u></strong><br />
Wow - did this speak to me because it's so true. I can't allow myself to spend money on a cut and color, but I can go out and drop money on craft supplies I don't need with money I don't have.<br />
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<strong><u>"Part of my problem seems to be that I feel I have to be rewarded for everything I do."</u></strong><br />
So true. It's an inner dialogue I have with myself. I accomplished this, so I can reward myself. And I reward myself through shopping.Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05584963266765648468noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3432145843007691256.post-11492728136972983562012-01-28T21:29:00.000-08:002012-01-28T21:29:23.239-08:002012 - The Year I Tame The Shopping BeastI've prayed. I've talked to God over and over. I've prayed some more. I've talked to my therapist. I've talked to my dog. I've talked to myself. But I'm tired of having the same conversation over and over and over -- and I don't do anything about it.<br />
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Bottom line is that I'm scared.<br />
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I'm scared to admit how bad my problem is. I'm scared to face those numbers. And I'm scared that I'll never break free. I'm scared to let others see my weakness, that I'm not perfect mom/wife. I'm scared that once that's known, I'll be thought less of....that I'm so stupid for getting myself in this mess to begin with, that I'm weak. I'm scared that if I don't "buy approval" (ie, buy gifts, pick up the tab, etc.) that I won't know of any other way to relate to those around me.<br />
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But something in me broke the other day....and while I'm not quite at the point where I'm fully prepared to share what brought me to that breaking point....I can tell you that it brought me to my knees.....brought me to a point where my eyes - for the first time - where truly opened and I realized that I am now ready to recover. I am ready to share my journey and my past openly. The good, the bad, and the ugly.<br />
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I realized that, in the past, my goals were too hard, too broad. If I missed a goal, then I told myself that I was a failure, so why should I bother trying. But I'm going to try again -- I have to try again. And this time, I'm making smaller, more attainable goals for myself.<br />
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Conquering my shopping beast, cutting spending, and paying down debt all go together. The challenge is to see if I can truly accomplish it.<br />
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My hope is to try to write something every day -- whether it's a line or two -- but to get something down to be accountable. I will share my goals, my thoughts, my fears, and eventually -- my numbers.<br />
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I hope you'll stick with me as I try to work through issues and get to the core of my problem. Please stay with me....I need all the help I can get!Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05584963266765648468noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3432145843007691256.post-37063110485042782502011-11-14T05:57:00.000-08:002011-11-14T05:57:00.811-08:00FrustratedI have not done well over the past few days. <br />
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The holiday spirit is affecting me and as a result I have spent a lot of money that I shouldn't have on things I just don't need. <br />
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Over the weekend, I got into our garage and started sorting things out. I made my way through bags upon bags of things I had stashed in the garage - hidden from my husband. Craft supplies, books, bags from thrift stores. As I made piles - things to take to Goodwill, boxes of the girls' clothes to share among friends, and a huge box to donate to Toys for Tots - I realize how sick I am and how this addiction has me in it's grip. All that money - gone.<br />
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I did bite the bullet and listed some items for sale on eBay. It's not much, but it's a start. I also listed a bunch of books on a swap site. If I build up credits, then I can use them instead of cash to satisfy that affair that I have with books. I deposited money into my postage account so that I'm able to mail the books this week. I just need to follow through. I have a problem with following through with my obligations -- which spills over into paying bills.<br />
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We finally sold my husband's car. The cash we received will be used toward new tires for my vehicle. My husband is holding the money because I just know that I would spend it if left to my control.<br />
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We also have a plan for his extra military pay. When it is deposited, we will go straight to the bank, withdraw it and put it into an envelope that he will hold (hide from me). That money will be used for Christmas.<br />
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I have also decided to challenge myself and take my debit card out of my wallet. I have $10 in cash in there -- and that will be enough -- because, just for today, I DO NOT NEED ANYTHING.<br />
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Because of my splurge, I have to reset my debt clock. I didn't even make it a week. So frustrated and disappointed.Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05584963266765648468noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3432145843007691256.post-57703750755741364622011-11-03T04:26:00.000-07:002011-11-03T04:26:48.835-07:00Today - 11/3<div><span><div id="yui_3_2_0_1_1320287939253649"><span id="yui_3_2_0_1_1320287939253648">This morning I woke up to a checking account that, for the first time in many months, has not been depleted due to overdrafts. This is a HUGE thing for me and such a good feeling. I am a little stressed though because that money IS there. It's such a temptation. I'm afraid to go grocery shopping today. But it's something I have to do. I can't avoid it. I have a list, but I still tend to stray from that list. I will continue to pray for strength today to avoid the temptation. THERE IS NOTHING EXTRA I NEED. </span></div><div><span></span> </div><div><span>I'm still living in a fog of vagueness, underearning, and overspending......but I have made a conscious decision to just stop, with the help of God. I got on my knees and turned it over to Him. I cannot do this alone any longer.</span></div><div><span></span> </div><div><span>But I'm so overwhelmed with where to start. I have a personality deficiency of immediate gratification. I want it now. I want immediate results. It's what got me into this mess to begin with. But it's not about me anymore. It's about my family and the example that I'm setting for my daughters. I don't want them, in 30 years, to be sitting in this same exact place. The only difference is that I won't be able to help them out the way my parents have helped me out.</span></div><div><span></span> </div><div><span>So, some small steps.</span></div><div><span></span> </div><div><span>1. I now keep a small notebook with my wallet. Receipts and every cent spent gets written down.</span></div><div><span>2. We have opened a savings account in my husband's name only. All his extra pay will be deposited into this account. </span></div><div><span></span> </div><div id="yui_3_2_0_1_1320287939253646"><span>For today I will pray for strength not to debt.</span></div></span></div>Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05584963266765648468noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3432145843007691256.post-68951721043838456982011-10-03T05:44:00.000-07:002011-10-03T05:44:41.847-07:00Still Chugging AlongI realize that it's been since March since I last wrote. Over the past few months, I've been tempted to sit and write -- but then wondered, what would I write about? It's the same story over and over......the cycle of spending, guilt, deprivation and then starting all over again. I'd end up writing the same thing over and over -- especially since I really didn't know where to begin to stop the cycle to begin with.<br />
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A few days ago, I was the victim of an attempted scam. I received a phone call from a "company" saying that I owed them $1500 for a loan that I took out a year ago and that if I didn't pay it back I was going to be arrested for fraud. You can read the whole story <a href="http://thetoyboxyears.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-victim-of-attempted-scam.html">here</a>.<br />
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Sure -- you'd say -- well I'd KNOW if I took a loan out. And that's true. But to a compulsive spender, it's vagueness that gets you into trouble. For awhile there, I was seriously doubting myself.....did I REALLY take out this loan? Was I in one of my hazes that I just don't remember doing this? As a compulsive spender, you really don't have an idea of WHAT exactly you owe and WHAT exactly you borrowed. You live in a fog of phone calls from debt collectors and overdue notices from bill collectors.<br />
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It's only when you take that step OUT of the fog that clarity truly starts to set in.<br />
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I've been making small -- very small, mind you -- steps to take the leap out of the fog.<br />
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1. I FOUGHT the scammer and won! (Seriously - if you a need a laugh, go read the <a href="http://thetoyboxyears.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-victim-of-attempted-scam.html">story</a> -- it's HILARIOUS!)<br />
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2. I've started carrying a little notebook with me -- and I write down EVERYTHING I buy. I attach the receipts to my little notebook. Sometimes I do forget, but then I just start over the next day. Doing this gives me clarity on what I'm spending.<br />
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3. I've started a spreadsheet on what I owe. And this even includes the "every day" bills. It's helping me to build a budget - what we're really spending, what we're saving (which is almost nothing), etc.<br />
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4. Last week, I took 3 of our change jars to the bank and cashed them in. I started envelopes for savings - one for each of the girls and one for us. <br />
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I have to say that I am EXTREMELY proud of myself for not dipping into the girls' envelopes when I felt that urge to spend. I cannot continue to cheat my daughters because of my addiction.<br />
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Another baby step -- but one I'm very proud of.<br />
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I apologize to you all for not writing more. Like any addiction, I'm still ashamed. Ashamed of not keeping it in control. Ashamed for "falling off the wagon" and at times - being run over by the wagon. Ashamed of getting myself into this position to begin with. And it's the shame and fear and denial that keeps this cycle going.<br />
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But I just continue to pray that, through God's help, one day I will be free from these chains.Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05584963266765648468noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3432145843007691256.post-32965679380813954512011-03-10T05:03:00.000-08:002011-03-10T05:03:47.343-08:00KISS it!I realized as I looked at my posts that I haven't posted since January. <br />
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Mostly it's because I've been in denial. I'm still struggling. Big time. But I've got another struggle to deal with - and I'm trying to look at it as a challenge instead of a struggle.<br />
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I'm attempting to give up the compulsive shopping for Lent. Yes, I know that this is an addiction and while some people have the strength and conviction to give up cold turkey, I just don't know if I can do it -- but I'm sure going to try.<br />
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Instead of just saying, I'm not going to shop at all, I realized that I've got to start small. I've limited it to crafts and books. Which means - no Michael's, no Hobby Lobby, no JoAnn's. No Borders, no B&N, no Amazon.<br />
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It's killing me already -- and Lent has just started. Our local Borders is closing permanently - which means huge clearance sales. I've deleted the big 50% off emails. All the while twitching inside. I've deleted the emails filled with coupons from the craft stores. I don't even open them -- I don't want to see what I've been missing.<br />
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I'm even trying to avoid reading crafting blogs because I know if I see something cute or inspiring - I'm done for.<br />
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And besides -- I can't shop if I don't have the money, right? We've got some big expenses coming up - new roof, new tires, and other "adult" things that eat up your paycheck before it even hits the bank account. I've also been a little vague and reckless with tracking the spending, so there's a little playing catch up as well.<br />
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So with this lack of discretionary spending funds, I'm desperately trying to tame the immediate "I WANT IT NOW" mentality. During Lent, I'm trying to establish a KISS attitude. (Keep It Simple Stupid!).<br />
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Making do with the groceries I have in the house. Spending more time doing simple, free things with my kids. Filling the time with reading, watching movies, playing outside instead of shopping or "running errands". I'm challenging myself - on top of my Lenten promise - to see how far I can stretch what we have.<br />
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Should be interesting........Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05584963266765648468noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3432145843007691256.post-26334373753302130282011-01-04T09:44:00.000-08:002011-01-04T09:44:30.699-08:00Brain Dump<div>A bit of a brain dump this morning....</div><div> </div><div><div>* I have not left the house since the day before New Year's Eve. Realistically, I know I can't hole myself up and watch the world go by. But I feel accomplished because I have not compulsively shopped since then either. I am deleting all the "shopping" emails that come into my mailbox. I have thrown away catalogs. I have not yet taken the step to throw away the coupons that I get from the craft stores. Crafting keeps me sane and is much cheaper than therapy. However, I have a tendency to go overboard with supplies. </div></div><div> </div><div>* My checking account is overdrawn - again. I can't get a handle on my numbers yet until I know exactly what I'm dealing with. I probably have to wait another day or two to wait for the dust to settle and then revisit that checking account and start from scratch.</div><div> </div><div>* On the upside of having an overdrawn account -- I am learning that I can do without and that I can be creative -- both with spending time with my girls and my family and with my grocery budget. This morning I went through my freezer and made a list of everything in there. I probably have a month's worth of food in there. And I haven't even gone through the deep freezer in our garage yet.</div><div> </div><div>* Last night, I couldn't sleep. Worries over money kept me awake and practically in tears all night. I happened to come across an episode of Dr. Phil that I taped yesterday. It was about watching your money. How ironic, I thought. So many things they mentioned, I can do. Some things I already do. It inspired me to challenge myself more. </div><div> </div><div>* I received a number of gift cards for Christmas. I'm hoarding them. I don't know why. I have no need for new clothes or jewelry. I will probably hold on to them and buy my girls school clothes and/or summer clothes with them. I received 2 Starbucks gift cards. I haven't had a Starbucks in weeks -- and I resist using them. I have a Safeway grocery card for $25 that I'm holding on to for an "emergency". My brother sent my girls $50 each in a Toys R Us gift card. Hubby and I decided to put those away until next Christmas. They've already received so many toys and other items -- we'll just use them for next Christmas's gifts.</div><div> </div><div>* I set up two automatic bill payments over the past few days. One for our cell phone and one for our internet. Both were at a $0 balance, so at least I'm starting fresh with those. Still need to set up the cable, water, and electric.</div><div> </div><div>* Yesterday I started a "Reading the Bible in 90 Days" program. I have been on this faith journey for awhile -- trying to give up the control and put my faith and trust in God. In the past 24+ hours since I've started the program, every where I look, I find words of encouragement and faith - whether it's on Facebook, an email from a friend or just something I come across. It is encouraging me.</div><div> </div><div>Slowly....one day at a time. I didn't get in this mess overnight, and it's not going to go away overnight either.</div>Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05584963266765648468noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3432145843007691256.post-54783458281372884742010-12-14T05:19:00.000-08:002010-12-14T05:19:57.075-08:00Hating LifeIt's been well over a month since I last wrote. Mostly it's because of shame, denial, and self-hatred. I hate the holidays -- for financial reasons mostly. As much as I try to keep smiling and put on the happy face, that financial hatred still seeps over. I'm stressed, I'm worried, and it puts a damper on the joy of the holidays.<br />
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Since mid-November, my personal checking account has been overdrawn. We're not talking small amounts here -- we're talking large numbers. It's embarrassing, it's frustrating - and I have no one to blame but myself. And my stress level has gone through the roof. I'm short-tempered, I'm exhausted from not sleeping, I'm high on caffeine.<br />
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It's a simple concept -- why can't I control this? Why can't I just say no? Why don't I know where my money goes? Why do I have this insane need to please - and with that need comes the need to buy approval with gifts. The need to show that I have it all together - to host the perfect gathering, to give the perfect gift.<br />
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I just can't do this any more. I'm so sick of seeing negative numbers in my balance. I'm so sick of phone calls and past due notices in the mail. I'm so sick of playing the "rob Peter to pay Paul" game. As Dr. Phil would say - "How's that working out for you?"<br />
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It's not.<br />
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I've got to make some serious changes in my life. Not just for me, but for my girls. I don't want them to look up to me as a role model -- not this way. I don't want them to grow up thinking that they can buy anything they want whenever they want. <br />
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I don't want them to end up like me.Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05584963266765648468noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3432145843007691256.post-4615207987640446992010-11-02T06:06:00.000-07:002010-11-02T06:06:05.756-07:00Shining the Light on the ShameI've only been writing this blog for a short time. <br />
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But in the days of starting this, I've been so amazed at how people have contacted me - either through leaving a comment or emailing me directly. So many have said, "I understand" or "I am going through this now" or just simply, "Thank you." I've even gotten "You're so brave" and "Good for you."<br />
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It's comments like that that encourage me to keep going. To keep sharing my struggles, my pain, and my shame.<br />
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But the other night, I had doubts.....some major, major doubts.<br />
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You see - most of the comments I've gotten are from people I don't know or only have a "cyber" acquaintance with. So far, no one I've known in real life has said anything to me at all -- until the other night.<br />
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We were at the home of some very, very close friends of ours. You may have read about me writing about my dear friend Cindy and her family -- the family who took me under their wing when I first moved out here. They are the closest thing to family here that I have.<br />
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Well, Cindy's one daughter and I started talking in the kitchen and she said, "I read your blog." And I thought - Awesome! She reads The Toy Box Years! But when she said, "You're so brave to tell your story", my heart sank. She wasn't talking about The Toy Box Years. She was talking about this blog. The blog about my deep, dark secret. I was so humiliated. I don't remember what I said in response - I just remember just smiling and thanking her for the encouragement -- when all I wanted to do was crawl into a hole.<br />
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Someone I knew - someone that I actually see frequently - now knows my deepest, darkest secret. It was as if all my shame and embarassment was written all over me for all to see. Which, in fact, it is with this blog.<br />
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I knew when I started this that people who knew me would read it. But I just didn't expect how deeply it would affect me when someone I truly knew WOULD read it and possibly comment on it. It's like jumping completely into a spotlight on an empty stage completely naked. Everyone can see all my flaws, my insecurites. I could try to cover myself up - but you would still see it all. And I gotta tell you -- it ain't pretty.<br />
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I suppose I had mixed emotions about it for a few reasons. Underneath it all I suppose I was grateful because it allowed me to realize that there is a crack in the facade that I put up for people. The mask I wear when I smile and say, "I'm fine" or "Everything's alright". I can look someone in the eye - with all my flaws and shame - and know that I'm still loved in spite of it all.<br />
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But on the flip side, I still want to hide that shame. And even though I've somewhat been "outed", I could choose to stop writing about this. To keep my secrets to myself. To run away and hide and ignore it -- my usual defense mechanism. Ignore it and it will go away. Hide the bills in a box and they'll stop coming. Ignore the phone calls and they'll stop. Delete the voice mails and it never happened.<br />
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But it won't go away. It did happen. The bills will keep coming. The phone calls will keep coming. And the shame will still be there if I don't face it.<br />
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For the first time in my life - I'm not running away. The layers are being peeled away. And I just have to have faith that I'll continue to be strong enough to share and heal.Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05584963266765648468noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3432145843007691256.post-77093044339000221412010-10-29T05:42:00.000-07:002010-10-29T05:42:53.207-07:00Journaling: Day 5 - Weekly Recap (10/30)So - just some random money posts this morning. Just some recollection over the past week - how I succeeded and how I failed. I hope to keep posting like this every Friday.<br />
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This morning I checked out my bank balance online. I'm not happy with the balance at the moment - but that's ok. I'm still in the black - barely - but we're in the black. Normally, my initial instinct would be to go to the bank this morning, withdrawal a large amount of cash. See, my bank has this great thing called overdraft protection. (And please know that I say "great thing" with great sarcasm. It's just yet another tool that enables me to continue this awful cycle.) So, I could withdraw money - making myself feel secure knowing that I had cash on hand. But not thinking about the negative bank balance and the fees the bank would charge me. Which would be taken from the next pay deposited. Again - a vicious, vicious cycle. But this morning - I have no desire to do that. I desire, instead, to have faith that I can make it through - WITHOUT putting myself in the red.<br />
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Today I need to go grocery shopping and pick up a few groceries that will last us through the next payday which is this upcoming Thursday. I have a small list -- one that I am determined to stick to. While I usually do stick to my list - there's always a few "extras" that I end up throwing the cart.<br />
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Last week I paid my library fines - which were pretty big. I have been paying them off a little at a time (yes, they were that big) and still had a bit to go. But I made the decision to pay them all off -- and I'm so glad I did. When the urge to buy books hit me hard over the past few days, I just went to the library and put the book on hold. I missed going to the library and I missed taking the girls. I felt so ashamed of what I owed and felt that everyone was looking at me when I would walk in -- knowing how much I owed. But last week, I walked in there with my girls -- and we had a blast!<br />
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Last night I packaged up a bunch of books to mail for Paperback Swap. Lots of credits coming my way! Which means lots of books that I can order when the urge to shop strikes. I had a certain amount of postage left in my account to ship. Normally I would go ahead and just order more postage and not think about if I could afford it or not. But last night - when it was gone, it was gone. I emailed the other people waiting for books to explain that it would be another week before I could ship and why. All were very understanding and accommodating.<br />
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I also spent a lot of time listing items for sale on eBay. My intention is to use that money to buy Christmas and birthday gifts and continue to pay down <strike>our</strike> <strong>MY </strong>debt -- one dollar at a time.<br />
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This past week has been amazing. I didn't have our car since My Marine took my Jeep to work. His car is on it's last legs and we're trying not to drive it so much. Anyway - with not having a vehicle available to me, I spent the week home with my girls. We painted, we made playdough, we colored, we played, we read stories. It also taught me that I CAN avoid spending. That I am capable of not giving in to the urge.<br />
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And THAT alone was worth more than anything any money could buy.Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05584963266765648468noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3432145843007691256.post-84754065948354511392010-10-27T04:00:00.000-07:002010-10-27T04:00:00.216-07:00Journaling - Day 4<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;">There's an amazing website out there for people like me having issues with compulsive spending and debting. <a href="http://www.debtorsanonymous.org/">Debtors Anonymous</a> is an awesome support group which follows the 12-step program of Alcoholics Anonymous. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;">When you get to their main page, there's a section down at the bottom where you can test yourself to see where you stand with compulsive spending. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;">I decided to post these questions and answer them honestly -- to fully bring to light the hugeness of my problem. (I know that's probably not a word, but it's a good word for the magnitude of my problem.)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;">(Note: most compulsive debtors will answer "yes" to at least eight of the following 15 questions.)</span> <br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;"></span> <br />
<strong><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;">1. Are your debts making your home life unhappy?</span> </strong><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;">Absolutely. I'm stressed. Worried about money all the time. I feel like the joy of living is almost all but gone.</span> <br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;"></span> <br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;"><strong>2. Does the pressure of your debts distract you from your daily work?</strong></span> <br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;">To an extent, yes. And while I don't work, but it has been affecting how I run my home. </span><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;"></span> <br />
<strong><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;">3. Are your debts affecting your reputation?</span> </strong><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;">Yes. I've been earning back the trust of family members -- my parents, my brother, my husband and his family. I've proven over and over that I'm not trustworthy when it comes to money.</span> <br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;"></span> <br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;"><strong>4. Do your debts cause you to think less of yourself?</strong></span> <br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;">Oh, where to begin. My self-esteem is shot. I'm a disappointment not only to myself, but to my family. I feel like a bad mother because my problem is potentially causing a negative impact on my daughter's. I'm stupid because why can't I just stop? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;"></span> <br />
<strong><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;">5. Have you ever given false information in order to obtain credit?</span> </strong><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;">Yes. And I'll get into that in a later post.</span> <br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;"></span> <br />
<strong><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;">6. Have you ever made unrealistic promises to your creditors?</span> </strong><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;">Yep. I'll tell them anything to get them to stop calling.</span> <br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;"></span> <br />
<strong><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;">7. Does the pressure of your debts make you careless of the welfare of your family?</span> </strong><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;">Yes. I spend without regard to keeping my home and family safe. I spend to fulfill MY needs instead of taking care of the needs of my family. I spend money before taking care of basic necessities - like utilities, bills, etc.</span> <br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;"></span> <br />
<strong><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;">8. Do you ever fear that your employer, family or friends will learn the extent of your total indebtedness?</span> </strong><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;">Every day. I fear that if my friends and family really knew the extent of what I've done and the mess I've gotten myself into, I would completely lose everything.</span> <br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;"></span> <br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;"><strong>9. When faced with a difficult financial situation, does the prospect of borrowing give you an inordinate feeling of relief?</strong></span> <br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;">Absolutely. It's that "if I only won the lottery" syndrome. When there's an extra paycheck that I know that's coming, the weight is lifted off my shoulders because then I know that I can play "catch up" with that extra cash instead of doing the responsible thing like paying off debt or putting it into savings.</span> <br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;"></span> <br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;"><strong>10. Does the pressure of your debts cause you to have difficulty sleeping?</strong></span> <br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;">Have you seen the bags under my eyes? Can you say insomnia? Is tossing and turning an Olympic sport?</span> <br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;"></span> <br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;"><strong>11. Has the pressure of your debts ever caused you to consider getting drunk?</strong></span> <br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;">Thankfully, I can answer no to this one. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;"></span> <br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;"><strong>12. Have you ever borrowed money without giving adequate consideration to the rate of interest you are required to pay?</strong></span> <br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;">No. Because of my credit, I can't even get a loan, so this really isn't an issue.</span> <br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;"></span> <br />
<strong><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;">13. Do you usually expect a negative response when you are subject to a credit investigation?</span> </strong><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;">Absolutely. While I don't know my credit score, I know that warning bells go off everywhere when I have to go through a credit check.</span> <br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;"></span> <br />
<strong><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;">14. Have you ever developed a strict regimen for paying off your debts, only to break it under pressure?</span> </strong><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;">Yes. The need to spend is so strong that I give in and all good intentions are out the window.</span> <br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;"></span> <br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;"><strong>15. Do you justify your debts by telling yourself that you are superior to the "other" people, and when you get your "break" you'll be out of debt overnight?</strong></span> <br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;">I wouldn't say that I ever say that I'm superior to others. In fact, it's the opposite. I feel so unworthy and shameful that I couldn't even begin to imagine a feeling of superiority.</span> <br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;"></span> <br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;">So, there you have it. More than half of my answers show that I have a problem with compulsive debt/spending. It's seeing this in black and white that's prompted me to work on this issue. I believe that as I work through this, everything else will fall into place -- weight issues, self-esteem issues, etc.</span> <br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;"></span> <br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;">If you took this quiz along wtih me, how did YOU score?</span> <br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;"></span> <br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;">If you found yourself answering in a similar manner, then I hope that you'll take this journey with me. I realize that I was at a cross road. The one road - the easy road - will lead me to further denial and despair. The second road - the hard road - will be more challenging, but will lead me to the life that I wish I had all along - one of self-respect, happiness, and solvency. </span>Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05584963266765648468noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3432145843007691256.post-31434505814875108442010-10-26T05:21:00.000-07:002010-10-26T05:21:26.305-07:00Journaling - Day 3I've been out of commission for the past couple days. Nudgie passed her stomach bug on to me and I've been feeling really crappy. (No pun intended!)<br />
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But, I'm back.....feeling a bit better, finally. And ready to be accountable for my last few days.<br />
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So, the past few days, I've been really good about tracking what I've been spending since pay day. I found this great online tracking program that's been very helpful. To check it out, click <a href="http://www.spendingdiary.com/">here</a>. I was a little bad at not writing things down right away, but one morning, I just sat down with my receipts, check book, computer and documented every cent. Big step for me.<br />
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Normally, I start off with good intentions and then lose steam. I forget to write things down so then I'm very vague about our bank balance. But really -- it was just sheer laziness. Then I would be stuck with a wallet full of receipts that I didn't track. I'd get frustrated and just throw them away.<br />
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But not this time. I made a point of writing everything down and putting it into my online spending diary. Seeing that little pie chart is helping me to see where all the money is going.<br />
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But in spite of my small victory with tracking. I did fall off the wagon. The other day, I went to Barnes and Noble and spent $60. Unplanned spending. Stuff I didn't need. Books for the girls. Two books for me. Why? I don't know. I didn't need any of it. I ended up putting the stuff I bought for the girls in our Christmas closet -- meaning they'll get them for Christmas. My two books are sitting on the ever-growing pile of "to read" books that I've been <strike>hoarding</strike> buying for as long as I can remember.<br />
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Funny thing is - just that morning, I'd gone through my huge stockpile and made an even bigger pile of books that I was going to list for sale on eBay. Let me go over that again.....I just got RID of over 40+ books to the eBay pile and then an hour later added two more books to my stash. What kind of insanity is that?<br />
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It's the insanity of compulsive spending. There's no rhyme or reason to it. But I'm hoping (and praying) that by writing this blog that I can start to peel away the onion-like layers of my problem. That I can be accountable.<br />
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One day at a time.Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05584963266765648468noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3432145843007691256.post-34725950019010812592010-10-21T05:39:00.000-07:002010-10-21T05:39:49.862-07:00Journaling - Day 2Yesterday was a good day for me. I did not spend any money. I did not debt. I resisted the urge to drive my daughter to school so I could "run errands" while she's in school. <em> ("Run errands" is my denial phr</em><em>ase for "just really want to go shopping.")</em><br />
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But today is different. Today is payday. And I'm a nervous wreck.<br />
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In my compulsive spending past, I would think more about how I could spend my money and what I could spend it on, rather than do the responsible thing like, oh....I don't know....pay bills.<br />
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It's always the same story.<br />
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Each pay period I tell myself that I will be responsible. I will track what I spend. I will not do any unnecessary shopping - which means staying out of the craft stores (which are my crack), book stores, clothing stores. Basically anywhere which requires me to pull out cash or my debit card. <em> (I no longer have any credit cards - which I will get to in a future post.) </em>But the debit card is just as bad. It's like using a credit card, but it's only using the cash you have on hand -- which is usually already earmarked for responsible things -- car payment, insurance, mortgage, etc.<br />
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But inevitably, the temptation kicks in and the urge grows so strong that it's literally hard to ignore that deep-seated need. And then the cycle begins. The mad dash to shop -- to buy things that I just don't need - all because I want it. I have to have it, although I don't know why. The euphoria of finding good deals. Of finding something I really like and instead of buying just one - I buy one of every basic color. At craft stores I'll buy supplies, telling myself all the while that it's a project that I'll get to. When in reality I've got LOTS of projects I'll "get to" sitting in my garage, my laundry room, on my living room floor.<br />
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But then there's the other side. The downside once the binge is over. The buyer's remorse that sets in. The guilt that eats me up inside. The negative self-talk that I go through over and over and over. And it's always the same.<br />
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<em>"You're so stupid. How could you do that again"</em><br />
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<em>"You just have no self-control."</em><br />
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<em>"You're useless and worthless. If you can't control this, then no wonder your life is so screwed up."</em><br />
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<em>"You're such a disappointment to everyone."</em><br />
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And then once I finish that conversation, I just tell myself that I'll "make it right" by taking some stuff back. Completing the cycle. At least until it starts all over again.<br />
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So we have -- the urge, the act, the euphoria, the remorse, the guilt, the self-hatred, the return (act of contrition).<br />
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In the midst of all this, I would try to hide my spending. Trying to stay one step ahead. Trying to detour my husband from wanting to spend money -- usually on stuff for the house. I'd get angry when he'd want to spend money on a 6-pack or go to Happy Hour. I recognize that as displaced anger. Anger towards him, when I'm internally angry with myself.<br />
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But today....today is going to be different. In Debtors Anonymous <em>(that will come in another post),</em> we are taught to immediately start tracking our spending and to take it one day at a time. In my case, it has to be one hour at a time. We are also encouraged to be held accountable - which is where this blog comes in.<br />
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By writing and sharing, I am holding myself accountable. And just for today, I will take it one hour at a time.Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05584963266765648468noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3432145843007691256.post-82874334637796730342010-10-19T17:28:00.000-07:002010-10-19T17:28:32.912-07:00Hello, My Name Is Jennifer......and I'm a compulsive spender/debtor.<br />
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It's a big secret that some knew about me. But there are probably more people who don't know that little fact than people who do.<br />
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What may surprise you even more is that I've struggled with this for well over 20+ years. At times the compulsion would lie dormant for awhile, only to erupt with full force and heap destruction through my financial life.<br />
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It's caused me heartache, stress, insomnia, and much much more.<br />
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I decided a few weeks ago that I really needed to take the bull by the horns and get my financial life back on track. I'm setting a bad example for my daughters - and darn it - it's time I just grew up and stopped acting so damn irresponsibly.<br />
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As I was looking for support groups online, I found that there were maybe only a handful of blogs out there that touched on this topic. So I thought that I would start one myself. And with that came my challenge. Over the next 30 days I will be journaling every day about my journey -- the good, the bad, and even the ugly.<br />
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It is my hope that through this blog, others who struggle with debt and compulsive spending will find a place to come and share and know that they are not alone. If I only reach one person through my<span style="background-color: white;"> story, then I will be happy.</span><br />
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</div><div style="text-align: left;">PS - For those wondering about the Sesame Street header.....I just felt like putting up something that would make me happy while I was writing about something that depresses me! Hope it makes you smile!</div>Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05584963266765648468noreply@blogger.com2