Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Hating Life

It's been well over a month since I last wrote.  Mostly it's because of shame, denial, and self-hatred.  I hate the holidays -- for financial reasons mostly.  As much as I try to keep smiling and put on the happy face, that financial hatred still seeps over.  I'm stressed, I'm worried, and it puts a damper on the joy of the holidays.

Since mid-November, my personal checking account has been overdrawn.  We're not talking small amounts here -- we're talking large numbers.  It's embarrassing, it's frustrating - and I have no one to blame but myself.  And my stress level has gone through the roof.  I'm short-tempered, I'm exhausted from not sleeping, I'm high on caffeine.

It's a simple concept -- why can't I control this?  Why can't I just say no?  Why don't I know where my money goes?  Why do I have this insane need to please - and with that need comes the need to buy approval with gifts.  The need to show that I have it all together - to host the perfect gathering, to give the perfect gift.

I just can't do this any more.  I'm so sick of seeing negative numbers in my balance.  I'm so sick of phone calls and past due notices in the mail.  I'm so sick of playing the "rob Peter to pay Paul" game.  As Dr. Phil would say - "How's that working out for you?"

It's not.

I've got to make some serious changes in my life.  Not just for me, but for my girls.  I don't want them to look up to me as a role model -- not this way.  I don't want them to grow up thinking that they can buy anything they want whenever they want. 

I don't want them to end up like me.