Still Chugging Along

I realize that it's been since March since I last wrote.  Over the past few months, I've been tempted to sit and write -- but then wondered, what would I write about?  It's the same story over and over......the cycle of spending, guilt, deprivation and then starting all over again.  I'd end up writing the same thing over and over -- especially since I really didn't know where to begin to stop the cycle to begin with.

A few days ago, I was the victim of an attempted scam.  I received a phone call from a "company" saying that I owed them $1500 for a loan that I took out a year ago and that if I didn't pay it back I was going to be arrested for fraud.  You can read the whole story here.

Sure -- you'd say -- well I'd KNOW if I took a loan out.  And that's true.  But to a compulsive spender, it's vagueness that gets you into trouble.  For awhile there, I was seriously doubting myself.....did I REALLY take out this loan?  Was I in one of my hazes that I just don't remember doing this?  As a compulsive spender, you really don't have an idea of WHAT exactly you owe and WHAT exactly you borrowed.  You live in a fog of phone calls from debt collectors and overdue notices from bill collectors.

It's only when you take that step OUT of the fog that clarity truly starts to set in.

I've been making small -- very small, mind you -- steps to take the leap out of the fog.

1.  I FOUGHT the scammer and won!  (Seriously - if you a need a laugh, go read the story -- it's HILARIOUS!)

2.  I've started carrying a little notebook with me -- and I write down EVERYTHING I buy.  I attach the receipts to my little notebook.  Sometimes I do forget, but then I just start over the next day.  Doing this gives me clarity on what I'm spending.

3.  I've started a spreadsheet on what I owe.  And this even includes the "every day" bills.  It's helping me to build a budget - what we're really spending, what we're saving (which is almost nothing), etc.

4.  Last week, I took 3 of our change jars to the bank and cashed them in.  I started envelopes for savings - one for each of the girls and one for us. 

I have to say that I am EXTREMELY proud of myself for not dipping into the girls' envelopes when I felt that urge to spend.  I cannot continue to cheat my daughters because of my addiction.

Another baby step -- but one I'm very proud of.

I apologize to you all for not writing more.  Like any addiction, I'm still ashamed.  Ashamed of not keeping it in control.  Ashamed for "falling off the wagon" and at times - being run over by the wagon.  Ashamed of getting myself into this position to begin with.  And it's the shame and fear and denial that keeps this cycle going.

But I just continue to pray that, through God's help, one day I will be free from these chains.

KISS it!

I realized as I looked at my posts that I haven't posted since January. 

Mostly it's because I've been in denial.  I'm still struggling.  Big time.  But I've got another struggle to deal with - and I'm trying to look at it as a challenge instead of a struggle.

I'm attempting to give up the compulsive shopping for Lent.  Yes, I know that this is an addiction and while some people have the strength and conviction to give up cold turkey, I just don't know if I can do it -- but I'm sure going to try.

Instead of just saying, I'm not going to shop at all, I realized that I've got to start small.  I've limited it to crafts and books.  Which means - no Michael's, no Hobby Lobby, no JoAnn's.  No Borders, no B&N, no Amazon.

It's killing me already -- and Lent has just started.  Our local Borders is closing permanently - which means huge clearance sales.  I've deleted the big 50% off emails.  All the while twitching inside.  I've deleted the emails filled with coupons from the craft stores.  I don't even open them -- I don't want to see what I've been missing.

I'm even trying to avoid reading crafting blogs because I know if I see something cute or inspiring - I'm done for.

And besides -- I can't shop if I don't have the money, right?  We've got some big expenses coming up - new roof, new tires, and other "adult" things that eat up your paycheck before it even hits the bank account.  I've also been a little vague and reckless with tracking the spending, so there's a little playing catch up as well.

So with this lack of discretionary spending funds, I'm desperately trying to tame the immediate "I WANT IT NOW" mentality.  During Lent, I'm trying to establish a KISS attitude.  (Keep It Simple Stupid!).

Making do with the groceries I have in the house.  Spending more time doing simple, free things with my kids.  Filling the time with reading, watching movies, playing outside instead of shopping or "running errands".  I'm challenging myself - on top of my Lenten promise - to see how far I can stretch what we have.

Should be interesting........

Brain Dump

A bit of a brain dump this morning....

 

*  I have not left the house since the day before New Year's Eve.  Realistically, I know I can't hole myself up and watch the world go by.  But I feel accomplished because I have not compulsively shopped since then either.  I am deleting all the "shopping" emails that come into my mailbox.  I have thrown away catalogs.  I have not yet taken the step to throw away the coupons that I get from the craft stores.  Crafting keeps me sane and is much cheaper than therapy.  However, I have a tendency to go overboard with supplies. 

 

*  My checking account is overdrawn - again.  I can't get a handle on my numbers yet until I know exactly what I'm dealing with.  I probably have to wait another day or two to wait for the dust to settle and then revisit that checking account and start from scratch.

 

*  On the upside of having an overdrawn account -- I am learning that I can do without and that I can be creative -- both with spending time with my girls and my family and with my grocery budget.  This morning I went through my freezer and made a list of everything in there.  I probably have a month's worth of food in there.  And I haven't even gone through the deep freezer in our garage yet.

 

*  Last night, I couldn't sleep.  Worries over money kept me awake and practically in tears all night.  I happened to come across an episode of Dr. Phil that I taped yesterday.  It was about watching your money.  How ironic, I thought.  So many things they mentioned, I can do.  Some things I already do.  It inspired me to challenge myself more. 

 

*  I received a number of gift cards for Christmas.  I'm hoarding them.  I don't know why.  I have no need for new clothes or jewelry.  I will probably hold on to them and buy my girls school clothes and/or summer clothes with them.  I received 2 Starbucks gift cards.  I haven't had a Starbucks in weeks -- and I resist using them.  I have a Safeway grocery card for $25 that I'm holding on to for an "emergency".  My brother sent my girls $50 each in a Toys R Us gift card.  Hubby and I decided to put those away until next Christmas.  They've already received so many toys and other items -- we'll just use them for next Christmas's gifts.

 

*  I set up two automatic bill payments over the past few days.  One for our cell phone and one for our internet.  Both were at a $0 balance, so at least I'm starting fresh with those.  Still need to set up the cable, water, and electric.

 

*  Yesterday I started a "Reading the Bible in 90 Days" program.  I have been on this faith journey for awhile -- trying to give up the control and put my faith and trust in God.  In the past 24+ hours since I've started the program, every where I look, I find words of encouragement and faith - whether it's on Facebook, an email from a friend or just something I come across.  It is encouraging me.

 

Slowly....one day at a time.  I didn't get in this mess overnight, and it's not going to go away overnight either.

Hating Life

It's been well over a month since I last wrote.  Mostly it's because of shame, denial, and self-hatred.  I hate the holidays -- for financial reasons mostly.  As much as I try to keep smiling and put on the happy face, that financial hatred still seeps over.  I'm stressed, I'm worried, and it puts a damper on the joy of the holidays.

Since mid-November, my personal checking account has been overdrawn.  We're not talking small amounts here -- we're talking large numbers.  It's embarrassing, it's frustrating - and I have no one to blame but myself.  And my stress level has gone through the roof.  I'm short-tempered, I'm exhausted from not sleeping, I'm high on caffeine.

It's a simple concept -- why can't I control this?  Why can't I just say no?  Why don't I know where my money goes?  Why do I have this insane need to please - and with that need comes the need to buy approval with gifts.  The need to show that I have it all together - to host the perfect gathering, to give the perfect gift.

I just can't do this any more.  I'm so sick of seeing negative numbers in my balance.  I'm so sick of phone calls and past due notices in the mail.  I'm so sick of playing the "rob Peter to pay Paul" game.  As Dr. Phil would say - "How's that working out for you?"

It's not.

I've got to make some serious changes in my life.  Not just for me, but for my girls.  I don't want them to look up to me as a role model -- not this way.  I don't want them to grow up thinking that they can buy anything they want whenever they want. 

I don't want them to end up like me.

Shining the Light on the Shame

I've only been writing this blog for a short time. 

But in the days of starting this, I've been so amazed at how people have contacted me - either through leaving a comment or emailing me directly.  So many have said, "I understand" or "I am going through this now" or just simply, "Thank you."  I've even gotten "You're so brave" and "Good for you."

It's comments like that that encourage me to keep going.  To keep sharing my struggles, my pain, and my shame.

But the other night, I had doubts.....some major, major doubts.

You see - most of the comments I've gotten are from people I don't know or only have a "cyber" acquaintance with.  So far, no one I've known in real life has said anything to me at all -- until the other night.

We were at the home of some very, very close friends of ours.  You may have read about me writing about my dear friend Cindy and her family -- the family who took me under their wing when I first moved out here.  They are the closest thing to family here that I have.

Well, Cindy's one daughter and I started talking in the kitchen and she said, "I read your blog."  And I thought - Awesome!  She reads The Toy Box Years!  But when she said, "You're so brave to tell your story", my heart sank.  She wasn't talking about The Toy Box Years.  She was talking about this blog.  The blog about my deep, dark secret.  I was so humiliated.  I don't remember what I said in response - I just remember just smiling and thanking her for the encouragement -- when all I wanted to do was crawl into a hole.

Someone I knew - someone that I actually see frequently - now knows my deepest, darkest secret.  It was as if all my shame and embarassment was written all over me for all to see.  Which, in fact, it is with this blog.

I knew when I started this that people who knew me would read it.  But I just didn't expect how deeply it would affect me when someone I truly knew WOULD read it and possibly comment on it.  It's like jumping completely into a spotlight on an empty stage completely naked.  Everyone can see all my flaws, my insecurites.  I could try to cover myself up - but you would still see it all.  And I gotta tell you -- it ain't pretty.

I suppose I had mixed emotions about it for a few reasons.  Underneath it all I suppose I was grateful because it allowed me to realize that there is a crack in the facade that I put up for people.  The mask I wear when I smile and say, "I'm fine" or "Everything's alright".  I can look someone in the eye - with all my flaws and shame - and know that I'm still loved in spite of it all.

But on the flip side, I still want to hide that shame.  And even though I've somewhat been "outed", I could choose to stop writing about this.  To keep my secrets to myself.  To run away and hide and ignore it -- my usual defense mechanism.  Ignore it and it will go away.  Hide the bills in a box and they'll stop coming.  Ignore the phone calls and they'll stop.  Delete the voice mails and it never happened.

But it won't go away.  It did happen.  The bills will keep coming.  The phone calls will keep coming.  And the shame will still be there if I don't face it.

For the first time in my life - I'm not running away.  The layers are being peeled away.  And I just have to have faith that I'll continue to be strong enough to share and heal.

Journaling: Day 5 - Weekly Recap (10/30)

So - just some random money posts this morning.  Just some recollection over the past week - how I succeeded and how I failed.  I hope to keep posting like this every Friday.

This morning I checked out my bank balance online.  I'm not happy with the balance at the moment - but that's ok.  I'm still in the black - barely - but we're in the black.  Normally, my initial instinct would be to go to the bank this morning, withdrawal a large amount of cash.  See, my bank has this great thing called overdraft protection.  (And please know that I say "great thing" with great sarcasm.  It's just yet another tool that enables me to continue this awful cycle.)  So, I could withdraw money - making myself feel secure knowing that I had cash on hand.  But not thinking about the negative bank balance and the fees the bank would charge me.  Which would be taken from the next pay deposited.  Again - a vicious, vicious cycle.  But this morning - I have no desire to do that.  I desire, instead, to have faith that I can make it through - WITHOUT putting myself in the red.

Today I need to go grocery shopping and pick up a few groceries that will last us through the next payday which is this upcoming Thursday.  I have a small list -- one that I am determined to stick to.  While I usually do stick to my list - there's always a few "extras" that I end up throwing the cart.

Last week I paid my library fines - which were pretty big.  I have been paying them off a little at a time (yes, they were that big) and still had a bit to go.  But I made the decision to pay them all off -- and I'm so glad I did.  When the urge to buy books hit me hard over the past few days, I just went to the library and put the book on hold.  I missed going to the library and I missed taking the girls.  I felt so ashamed of what I owed and felt that everyone was looking at me when I would walk in -- knowing how much I owed.  But last week, I walked in there with my girls -- and we had a blast!

Last night I packaged up a bunch of books to mail for Paperback Swap.  Lots of credits coming my way!  Which means lots of books that I can order when the urge to shop strikes.  I had a certain amount of postage left in my account to ship.  Normally I would go ahead and just order more postage and not think about if I could afford it or not.  But last night - when it was gone, it was gone.  I emailed the other people waiting for books to explain that it would be another week before I could ship and why.  All were very understanding and accommodating.

I also spent a lot of time listing items for sale on eBay.  My intention is to use that money to buy Christmas and birthday gifts and continue to pay down our MY debt -- one dollar at a time.

This past week has been amazing.  I didn't have our car since My Marine took my Jeep to work.  His car is on it's last legs and we're trying not to drive it so much.  Anyway - with not having a vehicle available to me, I spent the week home with my girls.  We painted, we made playdough, we colored, we played, we read stories.  It also taught me that I CAN avoid spending.  That I am capable of not giving in to the urge.

And THAT alone was worth more than anything any money could buy.

Journaling - Day 4

There's an amazing website out there for people like me having issues with compulsive spending and debting.  Debtors Anonymous is an awesome support group which follows the 12-step program of Alcoholics Anonymous. 

When you get to their main page, there's a section down at the bottom where you can test yourself to see where you stand with compulsive spending. 

I decided to post these questions and answer them honestly -- to fully bring to light the hugeness of my problem.  (I know that's probably not a word, but it's a good word for the magnitude of my problem.)

(Note:  most compulsive debtors will answer "yes" to at least eight of the following 15 questions.)
 
1. Are your debts making your home life unhappy?
Absolutely.  I'm stressed.  Worried about money all the time.  I feel like the joy of living is almost all but gone.
 
2. Does the pressure of your debts distract you from your daily work?
To an extent, yes.  And while I don't work, but it has been affecting how I run my home. 
 
3. Are your debts affecting your reputation?
Yes.  I've been earning back the trust of family members -- my parents, my brother, my husband and his family.  I've proven over and over that I'm not trustworthy when it comes to money.
 
4. Do your debts cause you to think less of yourself?
Oh, where to begin.  My self-esteem is shot.  I'm a disappointment not only to myself, but to my family.  I feel like a bad mother because my problem is potentially causing a negative impact on my daughter's.  I'm stupid because why can't I just stop? 
 
5. Have you ever given false information in order to obtain credit?
Yes.  And I'll get into that in a later post.
 
6. Have you ever made unrealistic promises to your creditors?
Yep.  I'll tell them anything to get them to stop calling.
 
7. Does the pressure of your debts make you careless of the welfare of your family?
Yes.  I spend without regard to keeping my home and family safe.  I spend to fulfill MY needs instead of taking care of the needs of my family.  I spend money before taking care of basic necessities - like utilities, bills, etc.
 
8. Do you ever fear that your employer, family or friends will learn the extent of your total indebtedness?
Every day.  I fear that if my friends and family really knew the extent of what I've done and the mess I've gotten myself into, I would completely lose everything.
 
9. When faced with a difficult financial situation, does the prospect of borrowing give you an inordinate feeling of relief?
Absolutely.  It's that "if I only won the lottery" syndrome.  When there's an extra paycheck that I know that's coming, the weight is lifted off my shoulders because then I know that I can play "catch up" with that extra cash instead of doing the responsible thing like paying off debt or putting it into savings.
 
10. Does the pressure of your debts cause you to have difficulty sleeping?
Have you seen the bags under my eyes?  Can you say insomnia?  Is tossing and turning an Olympic sport?
 
11. Has the pressure of your debts ever caused you to consider getting drunk?
Thankfully, I can answer no to this one. 
 
12. Have you ever borrowed money without giving adequate consideration to the rate of interest you are required to pay?
No.  Because of my credit, I can't even get a loan, so this really isn't an issue.
 
13. Do you usually expect a negative response when you are subject to a credit investigation?
Absolutely.  While I don't know my credit score, I know that warning bells go off everywhere when I have to go through a credit check.
 
14. Have you ever developed a strict regimen for paying off your debts, only to break it under pressure?
Yes.  The need to spend is so strong that I give in and all good intentions are out the window.
 
15. Do you justify your debts by telling yourself that you are superior to the "other" people, and when you get your "break" you'll be out of debt overnight?
I wouldn't say that I ever say that I'm superior to others.  In fact, it's the opposite.  I feel so unworthy and shameful that I couldn't even begin to imagine a feeling of superiority.
 
So, there you have it.  More than half of my answers show that I have a problem with compulsive debt/spending.  It's seeing this in black and white that's prompted me to work on this issue.  I believe that as I work through this, everything else will fall into place -- weight issues, self-esteem issues, etc.
 
If you took this quiz along wtih me, how did YOU score?
 
If you found yourself answering in a similar manner, then I hope that you'll take this journey with me.  I realize that I was at a cross road.  The one road - the easy road - will lead me to further denial and despair.  The second road - the hard road - will be more challenging, but will lead me to the life that I wish I had all along - one of self-respect, happiness, and solvency.