29 Gifts - Day 2 (2/2)

I already had an idea of what I was going to do for today.

A very good friend of mine and I are avid readers. I got a Kindle Fire for Christmas and about 2 weeks ago started reading The Hunger Games series. I was able to get books 1 and 2 free through the Kindle Lending Library, but had to wait about a week before I could get the 3rd. (Only allowed one "lend" per month).

So, after talking with my friend who's son is currently reading the series, we agreed that I would buy the third book in the bookstore, read it and then give it to her and her son. She would reimburse me for the cost of the book.

On Feb. 1st, I was able to get the 3rd book for free on my Kindle. So this morning, I put the hardcover book that I bought in a gift bag with a note addressed to my friend and her son that said "Happy Reading". I told her that I didn't want reimbursed for the book...that instead, we could make a date to see the movie version when it comes out next month.

Made me happy to do that.

But then I felt that the good I did was negated when I lost my temper with my girls this afternoon. I tried so hard to keep my cool but they really pushed my buttons and I lost it with them -- sending them both to their rooms for an extended time-out.

After cooling down a bit, I went up to see my girls.  My youngest had fallen asleep, so I just whispered into her ear that mommy was sorry.  With my oldest, I explained that I was disappointed with her behavior but that I was disappointed with my behavior too. We hugged and made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner.   So, feeling a bit better there!

On a blessing side -- we've been looking to get new tires for my Jeep.  We've been saving and trying to get a good deal.  A friend of ours has a neighbor who deals with tires  By chance, this neighbor shows up at the bar where my husband was at with friends.  They start chatting and hubby finds out that he works for Big O Tires and offered to get us a deal on our tires!

On to Day 3 tomorrow!

29 Days - Day One (2/1)

I'm a planner. I like to be in control. I like to have things neat and proper and everything planned to a "T". But this challenge has thrown me. I'd been brainstorming about the kinds of things I could do -- and have a few things in mind already. But I think part of challenging myself to being open to God's plan for me is to just "be" and see where the opportunity may just come up to give. But then I'm afraid that if I do that, I might miss an opportunity and that a day would go by where I didn't give.
* Today, I got up with my husband and made him his lunch. Something he usually does himself, but this morning I got up and did it for him.

* When I left the Sprout market, I smiled and said "Good morning" to a random stranger. Imagine my surprise, when I heard my 3-yr. old mimic me to say "Good morning" herself.

* When we got home, instead of jumping immediately into household chores, I spent the morning playing with and reading to my youngest daughter. In return, she gave me the gift of laughter -- her giggles just filling the room and my heart with joy.

* As I was preparing dinner, I realized that there were two gifts I could give my husband. Instead of leaving a full trash can for him to empty when he came home from the base, I emptied the trash myself and put in a new bag. I also refilled our iced tea pitcher instead of leaving less than a glass and making him make a new pitcher.

I have to keep reminding myself that small is ok and that a gift doesn't have to be a grand thing.

29 Days of Giving

Starting tomorrow (Feb. 1st) I am going to be doing the 29-Day Giving Challenge.  I came across this challenge through a friend on a FB group that I belong to.

There's a couple reasons why I choose to push myself with this particular challenge.  It is my prayer that:

1)  By choosing to give to others, I can teach myself that giving doesn't have to be on a big scale or cost a lot of money.  It can be the simplest thing such as a phone call or an email.

2)  By focusing more on giving that I can focus less on spending.

3)  I will learn to appreciate the small and simple things in my life.  That, in spite of my addiction and debt, my life is pretty damn good. 

4)  I will be a good example to my daughters.  That as they see me giving that they, too will learn to give -- starting with each other.

5)  That by giving, I can also open myself up to receiving -- whether it's a compliment or help.  And that by receiving, I am fulfilling someone else's need to give.

Want to join the challenge?  Simply go here to sign up and look for the sign up box on the right side of the page.  If you do choose to join, I'd hope that you'd leave a comment!

In The Red - Chapter One

While digging through my stash of books, I came across "In the Red" by Alexis Hall.  She writes a diary about her journey out of debt and out of the grip of compulsive spending.  I had four books spread on my bed and I was trying to decide which one I needed to start reading first.  I just closed my eyes and asked God to lead me to what He wanted me to read first.  Alexis's book kept coming to my mind -- so there was my answer.

Now before you read on, I'd like to explain that generally when I read a self-help book, I highlight...a lot....and I write notes in the margins....a lot.  But with having this blog, I wanted to be able to write down and share my thoughts when something jumped out at me.

So what you will read below are some phrases from the book that jumped out at me.  They are bolded and underlined.  And then immediately below that are my thoughts and comments about what I took away from that passage.

You may become bored and scroll through...but it's my hope that my thoughts and words will touch someone the way Alexis's words touched me -- and prompted me to explore myself and my addiction even deeper.

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"all started when I was a student, away from home and entrusted with a $500 overdraft."
College was when I got my first credit card.  A major department store.  I ran that one up shopping for clothes we could never afford when I was growing up.  But I had no way to pay for it.  Daddy paid it off.  I kept the card and ran it up again.  By that time I had a job and was paying my bills on my own - barely, but I was.  But then more and more credit card offers started to come in.  The cycle had begun.....

"Each one you get will be the last one and you promise yourself you'll only use it in an emergency.  Two months later, you've maxed the card out and don't know where you'll ge the money to pay it back.  How depressing...never mind, you can always go shopping to cheer yourself up.  And round we go again.....
Emergencies only.  Once it's paid off, I'll cancel it.  Often times the cards were cancelled for me because I wasn't able to pay them.  But it didn't stop me from shopping.

"Kevin really is the original long-suffering partner.  He's put up with me and my compulsive spending for nearly fourteen years.  He once paid off all my credit cards and made me stand at the bin with a pair of scissors cutting up my plastic partners in crime.  He listened to me sobbing and wailing, promising I'd never do it again and I've thanked him by running the whole lot up to the hilt again."
Hubby has been with me through it all.  Getting angry over and over and over when he'd get the phone calls or the past due bills.  Believing me when I'd say that I was sorry and that I'd work at it harder -- and then turn around and put us back in the same position -- sometimes even worse than what it was before.

"I've even come across items I've bought twice."
I can't count how many times I've found multiple shirts, craft items, books, etc. that I've bought because I don't remember buying them or they've been stashed so well I just don't remember where I put them.

"It's all about the purchase.  That exquisite moment when the object of your desire suddenly becomes yours."
It starts off with a small thought.  It comes from nowhere -- that little voice that tells you, "Hey, you need this.....or you need that."  The voice is stronger than the self-control and I give in.  When I get into the store and see sale prices, I can literally feel my body have a reaction.....It's a SALE!  I can buy MORE!  And when I walk out of the store, I'm incredibly proud of myself for saving all that money...but then it's just a matter of minutes until I get home and the guilt starts to set in.  And the cycle starts all over again.

"I've even been known to fall for "purchasing for profit" schemes:  buying a load of stuff that I think I'll off-load at a later date, making wads of cash in the process."
I've definitely done this -- especially with books.  In the past, if I found a series of books, I'd buy them, thinking that I'd resale them -- on eBay usually.  But then they sit and sit and sit -- and then eventually end up in the Goodwill bin.  So much money wasted.

"Do I just face up to the fact that I'm ruining my life - and that of those closet to me - with the burden of debt?"     "But it's limiting Kevin's options too."
Not only is my own life ruined, but I'm ruining Hubby's life too.  Not too mention the example that I'm setting for my daughters.  We're limited because we can't afford it.  If we can't afford it, then we miss out.  And it's all my fault.

"I've been so buy trying to buy the life I think I should be living, that I can't afford to live the one I have."
In the worst of my compulsive spending, I would buy clothes and lots of them.  I would justify my spending telling myself that I needed them for work....I needed to look good.  Then I needed to buy maternity clothes and I needed to look cute.  Then I needed to buy post-pregnancy/mommy clothes.  But even in the worst of my compulsive spending - I rarely -- to almost never -- bought anything brand name.  Bottom line though was that I couldn't afford it ---- period.

"Learn a little self-control"
Why is such a simple concept so hard to grasp?  It's not hard to say no.  I say it to my kids all the time.  Maybe that's the problem -- I don't have anyone NOW telling me NO.  I AM the adult.  I AM the one making the decisions.  I've been trying to become more conscious and more aware of telling myself no.

"That must be the same skewed logic that stops me spending a few pounds to have boots reheeled because it's too pricey, but enables me to justify buying a new pair instead."
Wow - did this speak to me because it's so true.  I can't allow myself to spend money on a cut and color, but I can go out and drop money on craft supplies I don't need with money I don't have.

"Part of my problem seems to be that I feel I have to be rewarded for everything I do."
So true.  It's an inner dialogue I have with myself.  I accomplished this, so I can reward myself.  And I reward myself through shopping.

2012 - The Year I Tame The Shopping Beast

I've prayed.  I've talked to God over and over.  I've prayed some more.  I've talked to my therapist.  I've talked to my dog.  I've talked to myself.  But I'm tired of having the same conversation over and over and over -- and I don't do anything about it.

Bottom line is that I'm scared.

I'm scared to admit how bad my problem is.  I'm scared to face those numbers.  And I'm scared that I'll never break free.  I'm scared to let others see my weakness, that I'm not perfect mom/wife.  I'm scared that once that's known, I'll be thought less of....that I'm so stupid for getting myself in this mess to begin with, that I'm weak.  I'm scared that if I don't "buy approval" (ie, buy gifts, pick up the tab, etc.) that I won't know of any other way to relate to those around me.

But something in me broke the other day....and while I'm not quite at the point where I'm fully prepared to share what brought me to that breaking point....I can tell you that it brought me to my knees.....brought me to a point where my eyes - for the first time - where truly opened and I realized that I am now ready to recover.  I am ready to share my journey and my past openly.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.

I realized that, in the past, my goals were too hard, too broad.  If I missed a goal, then I told myself that I was a failure, so why should I bother trying.  But I'm going to try again -- I have to try again.  And this time, I'm making smaller, more attainable goals for myself.

Conquering my shopping beast, cutting spending, and paying down debt all go together.  The challenge is to see if I can truly accomplish it.

My hope is to try to write something every day -- whether it's a line or two -- but to get something down to be accountable.  I will share my goals, my thoughts, my fears, and eventually -- my numbers.

I hope you'll stick with me as I try to work through issues and get to the core of my problem.  Please stay with me....I need all the help I can get!

Frustrated

I have not done well over the past few days. 

The holiday spirit is affecting me and as a result I have spent a lot of money that I shouldn't have on things I just don't need. 

Over the weekend, I got into our garage and started sorting things out.  I made my way through bags upon bags of things I had stashed in the garage - hidden from my husband.  Craft supplies, books, bags from thrift stores.  As I made piles - things to take to Goodwill, boxes of the girls' clothes to share among friends, and a huge box to donate to Toys for Tots - I realize how sick I am and how this addiction has me in it's grip.   All that money - gone.

I did bite the bullet and listed some items for sale on eBay.  It's not much, but it's a start.  I also listed a bunch of books on a swap site.  If I build up credits, then I can use them instead of cash to satisfy that affair that I have with books.  I deposited money into my postage account so that I'm able to mail the books this week.  I just need to follow through.  I have a problem with following through with my obligations -- which spills over into paying bills.

We finally sold my husband's car.  The cash we received will be used toward new tires for my vehicle.  My husband is holding the money because I just know that I would spend it if left to my control.

We also have a plan for his extra military pay.  When it is deposited, we will go straight to the bank, withdraw it and put it into an envelope that he will hold (hide from me).  That money will be used for Christmas.

I have also decided to challenge myself and take my debit card out of my wallet.  I have $10 in cash in there -- and that will be enough -- because, just for today, I DO NOT NEED ANYTHING.

Because of my splurge, I have to reset my debt clock.  I didn't even make it a week.  So frustrated and disappointed.

Today - 11/3

This morning I woke up to a checking account that, for the first time in many months, has not been depleted due to overdrafts.  This is a HUGE thing for me and such a good feeling.  I am a little stressed though because that money IS there.  It's such a temptation.  I'm afraid to go grocery shopping today.  But it's something I have to do.  I can't avoid it.  I have a list, but I still tend to stray from that list.  I will continue to pray for strength today to avoid the temptation.  THERE IS NOTHING EXTRA I NEED. 

 

I'm still living in a fog of vagueness, underearning, and overspending......but I have made a conscious decision to just stop, with the help of God.  I got on my knees and turned it over to Him.  I cannot do this alone any longer.

 

But I'm so overwhelmed with where to start.  I have a personality deficiency of immediate gratification.  I want it now.  I want immediate results.  It's what got me into this mess to begin with.  But it's not about me anymore.  It's about my family and the example that I'm setting for my daughters.  I don't want them, in 30 years, to be sitting in this same exact place.  The only difference is that I won't be able to help them out the way my parents have helped me out.

 

So, some small steps.

 

1.  I now keep a small notebook with my wallet.  Receipts and every cent spent gets written down.

2.  We have opened a savings account in my husband's name only.  All his extra pay will be deposited into this account. 

 

For today I will pray for strength not to debt.